Monday, July 25, 2011

"Cause I'm telling the truth, that makes me a bitch?" - The Breakfast Club

So ya. does it ?
you know , I hate pretentious people. fucking pretentious people. Those who pretend to be someone or something they are not. and stop fucking judging me over the fact that i am using "f" word a lot. if you are, well piss off.
It took so much of my energy and that too my positive energy to get over and move on and 'away' from these people in my life who gave me some fucking hard time in my already bad time. that very well includes a so called real good buddy , lets name him Mr. Y, another good buddy , Miss.Z and oh this one is a real gem, this someone I was seeing , someone I liked , Mr.X. (wow , I made a whole list of XYZ , heheh).
Ok, so whats the bad time?
wait , if I tell ya'll that, you guys , being the readers of my humble blog might run away as well. oh my God, what will i do ? I will die . well, I do not care. Go , piss off. but I know ya'll stick around anyways ya. Its a virtual love affair ;)
here's the narration. >
8th April 2011.
As I hurriedly got ready and dabbed some makeup on my face I noticed a small lump in my supraclavicular region [ collar bone area]. At the first glance , it somewhat felt like
a visionary act but as I palpated it and looked at it more intently, it just didn't feel right. Being the doctor I am , alarm bells started ringing in my head as I slowly walked around the house, tensed.
I went to get myself checked the very next day, the doctor wrote immediate tests and chest X-rays. Got them done the next day and had the reports in my hands the day after. Even before I could go to the doctor myself , I saw what the report said, it said " lymphomatous disorder" . It was as if the whole world had come down crashing upon me. I thought maybe I am assuming .
The dawn of the next day seemed so far away. Day creeped in slowly and then even more slowly the afternoon drew in and that's when I went to see my doctor.
He was as anxious to see me as I was. Quickly grabbing the Xray films and the test reports from my hands he began scanning them hastily and I saw his expressions changing.
" young lady, we are in trouble " said the doctor. "It's lymphoma" , he said.
I really could not and I mean could NOT register what he was talking about. I mean I knew what lymphoma was but that time my mind went into this complete numb state where a simple medical word couldn't be translated. Lymphoma is cancer. Its blood cancer.
So my initial reaction after that was , bursting out into tears. I kept rambling something like , will I live ? does it have a cure ? can I be treated ? will I be normal again ? and all I remember is my doctor coming up and hugging me , comforting me and telling me " yes, my child , you can be treated and you will be alright"
I felt like somebody had put tonnes and tonnes of weight on both my shoulders. The walk from his clinic down to the parking lot was the longest and most distressing walk ever. I felt tears rolling down my cheeks as i tightly clutched onto the reports in my hands.
Quietly, almost as if I am breaking into someone else's car, I sat in my car , pulled it out of the parking lot and started driving towards work. Yes, I had to go to work from there. I couldn't think of anyone , whom I could call at that moment and I just had to - I needed to talk to someone. The first person that came to my mind was Mr. X. yup, same Mr.X i mentioned above. The guy I was seeing. I do not remember much of what he said to me but mostly he stayed quite strong for me. It was sort of cold in an odd way. now I feel it. but anyways, thanks to him , he was there .
Upon reaching work, I was again having a hard time controlling myself - containing myself. my anger, my despair , my sorrow. I could not concentrate on what i was teaching the kids and I remember being very , very angry at them. These two kids especially, just wanted to strangle them. ( hey, I was in a shock OK? gimme that )
Later , in the evening when I came back home , I slightly broke it to my mom , did not tell her the 'cancer' part, just said its some bad blood disorder and we need to get ready for some big ass CT scans of my whole body. I remember her going in a state of shock and then calling up my uncle, her elder brother and crying out a bit. That was the only time I ever saw her crying in this whole ordeal. yup, she's a strong woman. mashAllah.
OK , this post has become immensely long . woooah !
Anyways, I had my CT scans the next day. It all seemed so surreal. The doctors who performed the scans on me just kept confusing me as a patient with my mom. haha. Its funny to me now how unbelievable they thought of me being the cancer patient.
CT scans revealed the cancer being present in my neck, bilaterally, lungs ; bilaterally, mediastenum ( area between lungs and heart ) ,around trachea (windpipe) and a couple of spots in my liver. yes yes, it was a stage 3 lymphoma.
Next , I remember having biopsy within 2 days. Oh it was gross. They took the tissue from my neck, and it happened under local anesthesia. It sucked big time cos i felt everything they were doing on me. and it left a pretty sexy scar on my neck . hehe ;)
the time from biopsy till the final report of biopsy was 15-20 days. and that was THE worst time ever. I felt my lump growing at an alarming rate and there was absolutely nothing we could do about it. not till the results showed in. The doctors gave me a slight hope, that it might be TB. uhhhh ! i wish they hadn't. because when they broke in the confirmatory report it was like going thought the shock all over again. I went berserk again.
but , but but , what had to be done had to be done.
I started with my chemo therapy. and that's my treatment. chemo for 6 months. inshAllah.
I am half way through. done with 3 and a half months almost, Alhumdolilah. I am on tenterhooks till I get done with it all. inshAllah. soon , i know I shall be done. and I shall be back to living my life to the fullest , better than ever ! inshAllah.
That's the bad time I been yapping about recently and no you guys, I am not dying. I got Hodgkin's lymphoma , that's Alhumdolilah treatable and curable. I shall live by the grace of God. :)

so coming back to what I was talking about initially. Yeus, people. Pretentious people.
fucking assholes man. this friend, I have loved him so much, endeared him so much and yet, he ditched me in this time of mine, where I needed him to be there so bad, just to lend an ear to listen to my crap or just to give the feeling of being there - being available. He just left. As if " I shall eschew her till I can " was how I felt things from his side. It made me so upset first, then angry , then I just left him. almost more than 2 months and he didn't return. I texted him and called him. Nay response. He had his birthday few days ago, I called to wish him. oh , he talked oh so nicely. and then again he was gone. I failed to understand and till date I still do not - WHY ?
WHY THE BLOODY FUCK WOULD SOMEBODY do such a thing. not just a somebody , a bloody good friend? I supposed no. good friends do not and I mean DO NOT do this. how fucking mean is that ? yeh , I am naive . call me that.
this other friend , Miss.Y,
she's gone too. haha. She wouldn't talk to me either.
and that gem , best of all , Mr. X. He made me so sad and heart broken. no, i ain't talking about that love crap. But you know, you like certain people a lot and it feels nice around them and well they start to pretend to be that someone fucking special in your life . PRETEND.
He took most of my energy cos i had to fight against myself and be in this constant struggle to break away and press delete / erase. He made a fugacious claim of being there.
I mean, wow. so , Cancer actually scares away people ya ?
suddenly a normal human being , who gets diagnosed with cancer becomes this hideous , headless creature sitting in the bed. WTF ?
I remember one day I was appreciating him , and thanking him for being there for me, from day one till well that fucking hour I was talking to him . next thing I know, him putting up this act of being there but not being there , you know what i mean? He was there but he was more of not there. He completely started avoiding seeing me, stopped calling me and lessened texting to a considerable obvious amount.
WTF dude ? So many times I asked him , more of told him that I need to break away if you can't take all this , no, every time he convinced me being heuristic in one way or the other.
so , why can not one just be fucking open about one's feelings and be man about it rather than
p-r-e-t-e-n-d-i-n-g ? really ? how difficult is it ?
God, did i have a hard time going through the shit this , guy put me through along with Mr. Z and Miss . X. ? It hurt like a bitch. It made me sad and overwrought, for I felt like an alien to myself at certain times, that how can my lymphoma actually drive away people? and why ? I was being naive.

well , thanks to lymphoma, I got to see the reality.
and thanks all three of you, you guys did me a huge favour. I learned my lesson. I could have learnt it the harder way , but you guys nailed it.
Karma is a bitch.
( I got so much more to say. so much more. man , i was soo heart broken . it's actually surprsing me , the amount of hurt I been suppressing inside of me. It's not fair- just not fair, but that is the way it is. )

1 comment:

  1. I had no idea you were battling cancer :( It's so horrible how those people turned their back on you :( I just can't believe it. Unfortunately, people seem to think cancer is infectious. Even to the second or third degree.

    My father got cancer when I was 15, and I remember people suddenly distancing themselves from me, as if they'd catch it if they were too close to me.

    If you need to talk please don't hesitate to let me know.